Hiatus: It's Official

People, I am taking the California bar.  If you aren't familiar with this monstrosity, it is the proverbial white whale that haunts wannabe California lawyers, often repeatedly.  It is actually considered the most difficult bar in the country, since California is full of arse-faces and the examiners are TRYING to keep people out as best they can.

Having decided to slay this whale, I will be occupied with a glorious 8-12 hours of studying each day. So, I will be taking a hiatus from blogging until it's all over.  Might pop in from time to time to say hi, but until August 2, all bets are off.  

Have a fab summer.  I know mine's gonna be a freakin' blast.

Ricky Martin is Gay

So, from the Old Ass News That Isn't News Dept, Ricky Martin has come out.

To paraphrase my li'l sis, didn't we all know that about 6 years ago?!

So, my saying that this IS NOT EFFING NEWS is truly unnecessary.

Erykah Badu Strips at JFK Assassination Site

To summarize, Erykah Badu stripped naked while filming the video of her song "Window Seat" at the Plaza where JFK was shot.  And some people (shocker ahead!) didn't like it.  Oh wait- no summary is needed.  Because that's the whole effing story.

Pretty sure that even in the Entertainment section of Huff Po, this IS NOT EFFING NEWS. 

Joe Biden Used F Word

It's been awhile, not because non-news isn't everywhere, but because actual news has abounded, as well.  We are now back to regularly scheduled programming...

So, in a shocker of all shockers, VP Biden said the F word.

As the Guardian points out, "Joe Biden is famous for having a mouth that out-runs his brain from time to time."

Guess what? NO ONE CARES.  No one gives a freaking damn what he said right before the President signed a huge health care bill into law.  Because IT'S NOT EFFING NEWS.

It's not interesting, it's not informative- it's not even new.  Hell, the Republicans can't even make this into a partisan issue, given Dick Cheney's "eff yourself" comment on the Senate floor.

(Many thanks to li'l sis Andrea & Daddy-O whose collective comment was: "You know what?! Big effing deal!")

Car Rental Companies Charging More Fees

In this fine piece of reporting, we discover that car rental companies are automatically charging customers for roadside assistance and insurance packages they never knew they were agreeing to.

To quote an already over-used phrase: No shit, Sherlock.

So, let's see what we've learned here:
1) People don't want to pay for shit they don't need;
2) Car companies need money so they are trying to screw us all; and
3) People need to read what they are signing.

So, basically, this is NOT EFFING NEWS because a) it's not new, and b) it's not noteworthy, and c) if you are too dumb to read your contract, you shouldn't be operating a lethal weapon, like, say A CAR.

Small Talk Leads to Unhappiness

In this supposed medical/health news, CNN has yet another Story About Something Everyone Already Knows. Too much small talk and not enough "deep conversation" apparently leads to unhappiness.

This is a direct quote: "The bottom line is that maintaining friendships can help with emotional well-being."

Well, holy effing hell, ladies and gents! We have a scientific breakthrough.

Oh, wait.  The article states that only 79 participants were studied and the result "meshes well with established ideas that happiness and social life are intertwined."  So we know we already know this.  Everyone knows we already know this. And yet a story was published on a news site about it anyway.  Because, really, why say something once when you can say it over and over and over?

The moral of this NOT EFFING NEWS story?

"Friends buffer negative events and provide support...Don’t be too busy to have a meaningful conversation."

Arizona Closing Rest Stops

It seems the state of Arizona is closing rest stops and residents don't like it.

This, according to the New York Times, is "US News."  It is, indeed, something taking place in the US.  I'm not sure it's not more appropriate for the local news in, um, ARIZONA.  You know, where the people care about how many places there are to pee between Phoenix and, ah...what's another city in Arizona?

To say this isn't national news should go without saying, but since it must be said, here we go:

Hey, NY Times! This is NOT EFFING NEWS.  Sure as hell isn't to people who don't live in, or drive through, Arizona.  And maybe not even to them.

President Ate Traditional Southern Meal

The latest story from the Whatever The President Does It Must Be Newsworthy Politics Section on CNN.com is about President Obama eating a traditional Southern meal and joking not to "tell Michelle" since he's supposed to be trying to lower his cholesterol. 

So, what did we learn today, kids?  The president ate some food and drank some tea.  Some of the food and tea wasn't strictly the best for him, we infer.

Well, gosh golly jeez and dang!  If that isn't just the most fascinating little ditty about that darn prez! It's almost as if he's- stay with me now- AN ACTUAL PERSON.

I shit you not, people, this is a quite from this, ah, "article": "In the president's defense, the first lady didn't explicitly say anything about sweet tea."

For god's sake, can't the man eat mac n' cheese without it becoming political news?!  Oh that's right, IT'S NOT EFFING NEWS.

5 Ways To Tell if You Are a Sex Addict

So, on the front page of CNN.com today, right next to links to stories on the health care summit and the Olympic skater whose mother just died, is a link to a story called "5 ways to tell if you are a sex addict" with a helpful picture of Tiger Woods with it.

Wow.  Thank GOD for CNN.  I wouldn't have known if I was a sex addict if you hadn't made this a Top Story of the day.  And since the story is "Part of complete coverage on Empowered Patient" I feel so much closer to being empowered than I was 2 minutes ago. 

Seriously, CNN?! This is crap.  THIS IS NOT EFFING NEWS. 

Thanks for mocking real addiction (both sexual and otherwise) by associating it with the dalliances of a famous- albeit immature and narcissistic- golfer.

Biden and Cheney Don't Agree About Terrorism

So this awesome piece is about the fact that Joe Biden and Dickwad Dick Cheney somehow discussed and disagreed upon- from "the safe distance" (that's a direct quote, folks) of SEPARATE TALK SHOWS- terrorism, torture, and Iraq.

Wow.  They don't agree on those things?  It's almost as if they are from different sides of the political spectrum and might not see eye to on certain issues. 

Even more annoying is that this supposed reporter/news writer/lackey set up the talk show appearances as if the former and current VPs were having an actual debate THROUGH TIME AND SPACE.  I shit you not, this article makes it sound like they were in the same goddamn room and having a little chat, instead of what they are actually doing, which is discussing their own views at DIFFERENT TIMES and DIFFERENT PLACES.

WTF, LA Times?!  Are your writers so stupid they really think this is news?  Or was it just a slow news day and things that people already know and other things that didn't actually happen had to be combined, perverted, and spit out in a barely coherent article about nothing?

IT'S NOT EFFING NEWS.

For eff's sake.

(Thanks, Daddy-O, for the tip!)

Valentine's Day Conspiracy

This story is on the FRONT PAGE on CNN.com today.  Apparently, Hollywood makes movies with holiday themes and releases them near that holiday.

Clearly, there's a Hollywood conspiracy to take our money as they feed us crappy holiday movies.  There's even a film critic who is "skeptical if a movie comes out too close to Valentine's Day."

Just because the link to the full story brings me to the Entertainment section doesn't give CNN the license to place it on the front page prominently- as the biggest and most important peice of news of the day- next to the story called "Offensive against Taliban making progress." 

Um, one of the story highlights is "It has everything to do with the increased commercialization of holidays, said one expert."

No shit?! You're effing kidding me!


THIS IS NOT EFFING NEWS, FOR EFF'S SAKE.  It's not even new information.

Olympic Cauldron Is Lit

Dearest Wall Street Journal, even in the admittedly fluff-tastic Sports section, you are supposed to be reporting news.  This bullshit article about nothing states that the Olympic cauldron has been lit and one of the lights didn't work so only three torchbearers actually lit the flame.

Does this MEAN something?  Is this an ominous beginning for an Olympic competition already marred by tragedy?  A symbol of the nations not truly being all together during these tumultuous times?  No?  It means absolutley nothing and has nothing to do with anything except that it's a fact about the Olympics and WSJ felt the need to fill space with nothingness, you say?

Hmm.  Then IT'S NOT EFFING NEWS, is it?!

Do Elephants Walk or Run?

Well, isn't this just precious?  It seems scientists have inquired as to whether quickly moving elephants are walking or running.

Look, I love me some elephants.  They used to be my favorite animal until I discovered their superior: the almighty snow leopard.  But I really, really don't give a rat's arse whether what they are doing is considered walking or running.

There's a lot of blah blah blah in this article about kinetic energy and potential energy and frankly, my dears, I just don't give a damn. 

This is NOT EFFING NEWS, scientists and BBC.  Why the HELL does it matter what we call it?  Oh, that's right.  It doesn't.

And on that note, I will leave you with this little gem from the article: "you just can't go down to your local hardware shop and pick up an elephant-sized force plate."

Pregnancy Brain is a Myth

According to this story, "baby brain" is a myth.  Apparently the recurring memory lapses and concentration problems are not due to pregnancy, but perhaps due to tiredness resulting from pregnancy or shifting attention to the baby due to the pregnancy.

Yep, it IS as circular and nonsensical as it sounds.

Seriously, people.  I had to read this article 4 times before I realized that it's not me who's the dumbass.  The article DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

So, not only is it NOT EFFING NEWS, it's not even ABOUT anything.

For eff's sake.

Celebrity Picks for the Super Bowl

Pretty sure this isn't even sports news. 

Whatever Sports Illustrated thinks it is, IT'S NOT EFFING NEWS.  Who the HELL gives a rat's arse who some random celebrities think will win the Super Bowl?

(Thanks, EDub, for the tip!)

Stating the Obvious

Love it when a news organization ADMITS that something isn't news.  For example, the study that revealed the huge shocker "People are happier on weekends."

Wow.  Just wow.

(Thanks, S, for the tip!)

Wedding Trailer/Video

Just to prove that literally ANYthing can and will become viral, check out (yeah, like you haven't already) Jeff & Erin's wedding trailer.

Sure, I found it in the Comedy section of Huff Po, so it's not supposed to be the hardest of news, but I could have been spared the gratuitous editorializing: "It's so well done that you can't help but love this pair and wish them a lifetime of happiness."

Defines NOT EFFING NEWS for me. 

(Thanks, S, for the tip off!)

Bomb Did Not Explode

Regardless of your position(s) on the U.S. military, our current wars, and the news coverage of the first two, this article reads like a short story in The New Yorker.

Apparently a bomb did not explode.  As glad as I am that even MORE people aren't dead (and I truly am), this is NOT EFFING NEWS.  It's in the World section of the NYT, for god's sake.

Gift Lists to Celebrate Divorce

So, some London store that few people in the US have heard of has launched a divorce gift list service.  This story is in the Oddly Enough section of Reuters (admittedly, a site rife with bullshit non-news).

It quotes the head of the store's retail services as saying "Divorcing can be an expensive time and registering for a divorce gift list means that family and friends can help the newly separated begin their new life."

That's just charming.  Shameless, but also charming.


Also, NOT EFFING NEWS.

U.K. Bans Drinking Contests in Bars

Basically, the UK has banned all-you-can-drink and free drink promotions in bars. It has done this to "crack down on alcohol-related disorder and crime and cut related health costs."  Woo effing hoo. Not only does that totally suck, IT'S NOT EFFING NEWS.

I don't give a damn who can drink what and when in the UK.  I'm guessing the only people who do are those in the UK, and they already know how bullshit this is.

So, no need to include the story in your business section, WSJ.  If anything, it sounds like a health article, and not an interesting one at that.

Obama's First Tweet

President Obama hit the "update" button on a tweet the other day, causing him to send his first tweet.  I'm not sure what is more annoying about this story: the fact that it's about the President pushing a button or that it ends with a quote from former Bush spokesman Scott Stanzel questioning who @BarackObama is if the President's claim to never have used Twitter is true.

Don't we all have betting things to do than this?  This is in the effing Politics section for god's sake!  Because a political figure pushed a button, someone rushed out to interview people, write up a story, and effing publish it?! 

IT'S NOT EFFING NEWS.

And CNN, you are a treasure trove of nothingness.

(Thanks, K, for the tip!)

Bringin' Up Old Shit: White House Beer Summit

I was reminded of this, ah, "story," today.  It's from July 30, 2009, so yeah, it's dated.  Remember when President Obama caused a stir when he invited Henry Louis Gates Jr. (Harvard prof) and and James Crowley (police sergeant) to have a beer?

Oh, that's right, you don't remember it.  Because it's uninteresting, unimportant, and NOT EFFING NEWS.

The Wall Street Journal published this article in their US Section.  And while this supposed "brouhaha" did happen to take place in our very own United States of America, I find the extensive coverage of this non-incident (several other news sites and networks carried it) pretty damn offensive.

Don't know about you, but I don't give a flying eff what the President drinks.  All I know is, if I were the White House spokesperson who had to deal with being questioned by reporters about this bullshit, it's the exact kind of bullshit I would quit over.

How Dog and Cat People Are Different

Oh, CNN Health, you are always good for a laugh.

Your current "Living Well" news is about how dog people and cat people are different.  How lovely of you to waste everyone's time with an article about an actual study conducted on our "deeper pet subconscious."  You also go on to describe a study about whether "people may have physical features in common with the animals they like or own." 

CNN, this is NOT EFFING NEWS.  It's not health news, it's not other news. 

FAIL, CNN, big fat FAIL.

Nudists Support Full Body Scanner

In an impressive act of Stating the Obvious, Huff Po has published an article asserting that nudists support full body scanners.

Um, no shit, Sherlock?  What the eff would they care if some TSA employee sees their naughty bits?

Apparently, we're all supposed to think of this grotesque invasion of privacy as a "virtual skinny-dip."  I shit you not.

This is NOT EFFING NEWS, people.  It's just STUPID.

No More Free Cars for Tiger

I can't think of anything I am less interested in than who hosts the Tonight Show, except maybe the fact that Tiger Woods is no longer getting free cars.  This story can be found any number of places, including CNN Money. 

Exactly how this is financial news is not clear.  Maybe if the writer pads it with some stock abbreviations, no one will notice?

Sorry, folks.  We have another case of NOT EFFING NEWS in a section that should, in fact, contain only news.

Chopstick Removed From Toddler's Brain

On the BBC News front page today- yes, the same page as their reports on the Haiti earthquake and the death of Anne Frank's helper- is the headline "Chopstick removed from toddler's brain." 

What's that?  I couldn't hear you over the roar of apathy.

The chopstick had to be removed, you see, because it went up his nose when he fell on it. 

Ooooh...fascinating...a toddler did something stupid and it had to be fixed.  Please, please tell me more.

To say that this is NOT EFFING NEWS really doesn't do justice to this idiotic piece of fluff.  BBC, you disgust me.  Let me know when you get back to regularly scheduled news reporting.  You know, YOUR JOB?

Avatar Making Viewers Depressed

I give a lot of leeway when a story is in the Entertainment section of a news site.  What Taylor Momsen wore to her b-day party?  Silly, but I can allow it.  Jon Gosselin's latest escapade?  Don't give a damn, but sure, it goes there.

But this is pushing it on the news angle.  It seems that Avatar fans just can't get over their own lives not being as awesome as the film.  The Story Highlights on this include such gems as " 'Avatar Forums' has a topic thread discussing depression over 'Pandora being intangible' " and "Some fans say James Cameron's "Avatar" may have been too real."

Apparently, this story really caught a lot of attention, too; there are 794 comments as of the writing of this post.

Um, help me out here.  The people who watched this movie, acclaimed for amazing CGI effects, which by definition are NOT REAL, are sad because real life isn't as beautiful/fun/Utopian as the PRETEND WORLD James Cameron created?!

And this is news because... ?

IT'S NOT EFFING NEWS, CNN.  I'm sorry, but if the last sentence in your article is "Within the fan community, suggestions for battling feelings of depression after seeing the movie include things like...encouraging members to relate to other people outside the virtual realm and to seek out positive and constructive activities," surely that's a TINY clue about this being inane bullshit?!

This kind of crap doesn't even belong in the Entertainment section; it belongs on an opinion blog, on a fan site, or on the effing cutting room floor.

Thanks, S, for the tip!

Obama Billboard Coming Down

Now I ask you: Is this political news?  The Weatherproof (jacket company, if you care) billboard with President Obama's picture on it is being taken down.

Whoa- SO glad I know about THIS.

Two things about this CNN article crack my shit up:
1) The article has "Story Highlights" listed on the side.  Because the title didn't say it all and the entire article was just too darn difficult to get through, being over 100 words and all.
2) There are 143 comments at last check, and many of them are about how the commenter doesn't care what the President wears and/or what is on a billboard.

Regardless of your thoughts on this, um, matter, IT'S NOT EFFING NEWS.  And it's sure as hell not political news. 

Weekends Not Restful for Americans

Is it just me, or does this article read like it's from The Onion?  Not only is it NOT EFFING NEWS, it doesn't even sound REAL.

Thanks, CBS.  I needed a laugh today.

Supervisor Daly to Use F Word at Meetings

So, it turns out San Francisco Supervisor Chris Daly has promised to use the F word at every meeting this year. This can be found on the CBS 5 website under the Politics section. To pad this already lousy excuse for an article, the reporter found it necessary to quote pretty boy Gavin Newsom as suggesting a "swear jar" for every time Daly swears.

Oh, and don't worry, there's a video with this story, too.  In case you wanted to waste even more time on this non-news piece of crap.

Honestly? I feel dumber now.  And not only is this NOT EFFING NEWS, it's not even new.

Oh yeah- we've all heard this story before.

A lot of these articles could just be replaced with the slogan "Someone in Bay Area Got Indignant Over Something."

(Thanks, K, for the tip!)

Bringin' Up Old Shit: Slow News Day

Introducing a new feature called Bringin' Up Old Shit, wherein I bring up old shit.

Yeah, this article is from March of 2009 so it's ancient history.  But I find it necessary to point out that there are a lot of people who have opinions about what the Obamas plant in their garden.  And are apparently offended by the lack of beets.

Look, I love me some New York Times, but the effing LINK to this "report" (yeah, those are air quotes, get over it) calls it "beet discrimination."

To say that people will get on their high horse about anything is just so obvious, it's boring.  But beets, people?!  NYT, do you have nothing else with which to pad your Health section?  Like, maybe articles and reports about, um, health? THIS IS NOT EFFING NEWS.

"So what?" You say.  "It's not like anyone actually wasted their time on this crap," you muse.

The article garnered 193 comments.

Did I stutter?

From the readers I know well enough to expect nothing more.  NYT, I expect better from you.

Male Corsets. MALE. CORSETS.

Thanks, CNN.  Thank you for informing me, educating me- nay, ENLIGHTENING me about the wonders of the male corset launched in the UK. 

This report was in your World section, and I can see why.  It is, in fact, something that happened in the world.  If that is the best thing anyone can say about it, though, then guess what?  It's NOT EFFING NEWS.

This was your caption: "A retailer launches a range of shapewear for men designed to flatten and shape the torso. CNN's Monita Rajpal reports."  I'm sorry, but if my job were to report on this shit as if it were real news, I'd be desperate for a way out of my obvious misery.

CNN, let's stick to actual news, mmmkay?  Leave the fashion fluff to Women's Wear Daily.

Prudish Marine Tells Australian Girls to Cover Up

This little gem is on the Huffington Post.  It turns out that a U.S. Marine wrote a letter to an Australian newspaper expressing his outrage about the scantily-clad women he'd seen.

Hear that?

That's the sound of no one giving a rat's arse.

Hey, Huff Po, this was in the WORLD NEWS SECTION of your site.  Excuse me?!  Surely this fine piece of reporting (read: total crap) doesn't deserve to appear next to articles such as "India Issues Warnings Over Increase in Violent Attacks" and "CIA Base Bomber Was US's 'Most Promising Informant in Years'." 

Um, there's something a teeny bit wrong with this.  Any one see it?  Any one at all?

Here, I'll give you a hint:  IT'S NOT EFFING NEWS.

!!!

There, now don't you feel better?

More on Tiger from John Stewart

This time, it's not SUPPOSED to be effing news.  So it's funny.  The clip is here.  Basically, he rips Brit a well-deserved new one.

Religious Advice for Tiger Woods

The dictionary defines news as "a report of a recent event; intelligence; information."  That would imply that news, in all of its formats, supplies the reader/viewer/observer with all or some of what is listed.

This blog is dedicated to the blathering idiocy broadcast to us under the guise of news.  People, just because it's on CNN or Fox doesn't mean it's news.  Just because something advertises itself as "fair and balanced" (yeah, another cheap shot at Fox), doesn't mean it is.  And while I am not the first person annoyed enough to start a blog or other conversation about how much bullshit is funneled down our collective throats as news, I hope adding my perspective to the conversation will at least be mildly amusing for you and somewhat cathartic for me.

This is one time when I want your opinion- if you disagree and think something I am bashing is actually news, tell me in the comments. If you find something I should feature, let me know.

People, I give you my first It's Not Effing News post:

We all know the latest about Tiger Woods.  He sexted, he cheated, he's no longer a role model for our impressionable youth, blah, blah. 

Brit Hume, enlightened bastard that he is, found it necessary to espouse his opinion that Tiger Woods convert so he can "make a total recovery" by having the "forgiveness and redemption" offered by Christianity.

Look, I don't give a damn what you discuss in your home or congregation.  But to go onto Fox News Sunday to proselytize is just gross.  Hey Brit, your opinion is not a matter of public interest.  And IT'S NOT EFFING NEWS.

Here's the You Tube Video of Brit Hume's religious advice for Tiger and some pretty funny commentary about it.

Thanks, Brit, for inspiring me to start this blog. And thanks, Daddy-O, for the tip off.  This shit is priceless.