Just to prove that literally ANYthing can and will become viral, check out (yeah, like you haven't already) Jeff & Erin's wedding trailer.
Sure, I found it in the Comedy section of Huff Po, so it's not supposed to be the hardest of news, but I could have been spared the gratuitous editorializing: "It's so well done that you can't help but love this pair and wish them a lifetime of happiness."
Defines NOT EFFING NEWS for me.
(Thanks, S, for the tip off!)
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Bomb Did Not Explode
Regardless of your position(s) on the U.S. military, our current wars, and the news coverage of the first two, this article reads like a short story in The New Yorker.
Apparently a bomb did not explode. As glad as I am that even MORE people aren't dead (and I truly am), this is NOT EFFING NEWS. It's in the World section of the NYT, for god's sake.
Apparently a bomb did not explode. As glad as I am that even MORE people aren't dead (and I truly am), this is NOT EFFING NEWS. It's in the World section of the NYT, for god's sake.
Gift Lists to Celebrate Divorce
So, some London store that few people in the US have heard of has launched a divorce gift list service. This story is in the Oddly Enough section of Reuters (admittedly, a site rife with bullshit non-news).
It quotes the head of the store's retail services as saying "Divorcing can be an expensive time and registering for a divorce gift list means that family and friends can help the newly separated begin their new life."
That's just charming. Shameless, but also charming.
Also, NOT EFFING NEWS.
It quotes the head of the store's retail services as saying "Divorcing can be an expensive time and registering for a divorce gift list means that family and friends can help the newly separated begin their new life."
That's just charming. Shameless, but also charming.
Also, NOT EFFING NEWS.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
U.K. Bans Drinking Contests in Bars
Basically, the UK has banned all-you-can-drink and free drink promotions in bars. It has done this to "crack down on alcohol-related disorder and crime and cut related health costs." Woo effing hoo. Not only does that totally suck, IT'S NOT EFFING NEWS.
I don't give a damn who can drink what and when in the UK. I'm guessing the only people who do are those in the UK, and they already know how bullshit this is.
So, no need to include the story in your business section, WSJ. If anything, it sounds like a health article, and not an interesting one at that.
I don't give a damn who can drink what and when in the UK. I'm guessing the only people who do are those in the UK, and they already know how bullshit this is.
So, no need to include the story in your business section, WSJ. If anything, it sounds like a health article, and not an interesting one at that.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Obama's First Tweet
President Obama hit the "update" button on a tweet the other day, causing him to send his first tweet. I'm not sure what is more annoying about this story: the fact that it's about the President pushing a button or that it ends with a quote from former Bush spokesman Scott Stanzel questioning who @BarackObama is if the President's claim to never have used Twitter is true.
Don't we all have betting things to do than this? This is in the effing Politics section for god's sake! Because a political figure pushed a button, someone rushed out to interview people, write up a story, and effing publish it?!
IT'S NOT EFFING NEWS.
And CNN, you are a treasure trove of nothingness.
(Thanks, K, for the tip!)
Don't we all have betting things to do than this? This is in the effing Politics section for god's sake! Because a political figure pushed a button, someone rushed out to interview people, write up a story, and effing publish it?!
IT'S NOT EFFING NEWS.
And CNN, you are a treasure trove of nothingness.
(Thanks, K, for the tip!)
Monday, January 18, 2010
Bringin' Up Old Shit: White House Beer Summit
I was reminded of this, ah, "story," today. It's from July 30, 2009, so yeah, it's dated. Remember when President Obama caused a stir when he invited Henry Louis Gates Jr. (Harvard prof) and and James Crowley (police sergeant) to have a beer?
Oh, that's right, you don't remember it. Because it's uninteresting, unimportant, and NOT EFFING NEWS.
The Wall Street Journal published this article in their US Section. And while this supposed "brouhaha" did happen to take place in our very own United States of America, I find the extensive coverage of this non-incident (several other news sites and networks carried it) pretty damn offensive.
Don't know about you, but I don't give a flying eff what the President drinks. All I know is, if I were the White House spokesperson who had to deal with being questioned by reporters about this bullshit, it's the exact kind of bullshit I would quit over.
Oh, that's right, you don't remember it. Because it's uninteresting, unimportant, and NOT EFFING NEWS.
The Wall Street Journal published this article in their US Section. And while this supposed "brouhaha" did happen to take place in our very own United States of America, I find the extensive coverage of this non-incident (several other news sites and networks carried it) pretty damn offensive.
Don't know about you, but I don't give a flying eff what the President drinks. All I know is, if I were the White House spokesperson who had to deal with being questioned by reporters about this bullshit, it's the exact kind of bullshit I would quit over.
Friday, January 15, 2010
How Dog and Cat People Are Different
Oh, CNN Health, you are always good for a laugh.
Your current "Living Well" news is about how dog people and cat people are different. How lovely of you to waste everyone's time with an article about an actual study conducted on our "deeper pet subconscious." You also go on to describe a study about whether "people may have physical features in common with the animals they like or own."
CNN, this is NOT EFFING NEWS. It's not health news, it's not other news.
FAIL, CNN, big fat FAIL.
Your current "Living Well" news is about how dog people and cat people are different. How lovely of you to waste everyone's time with an article about an actual study conducted on our "deeper pet subconscious." You also go on to describe a study about whether "people may have physical features in common with the animals they like or own."
CNN, this is NOT EFFING NEWS. It's not health news, it's not other news.
FAIL, CNN, big fat FAIL.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Nudists Support Full Body Scanner
In an impressive act of Stating the Obvious, Huff Po has published an article asserting that nudists support full body scanners.
Um, no shit, Sherlock? What the eff would they care if some TSA employee sees their naughty bits?
Apparently, we're all supposed to think of this grotesque invasion of privacy as a "virtual skinny-dip." I shit you not.
This is NOT EFFING NEWS, people. It's just STUPID.
Um, no shit, Sherlock? What the eff would they care if some TSA employee sees their naughty bits?
Apparently, we're all supposed to think of this grotesque invasion of privacy as a "virtual skinny-dip." I shit you not.
This is NOT EFFING NEWS, people. It's just STUPID.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
No More Free Cars for Tiger
I can't think of anything I am less interested in than who hosts the Tonight Show, except maybe the fact that Tiger Woods is no longer getting free cars. This story can be found any number of places, including CNN Money.
Exactly how this is financial news is not clear. Maybe if the writer pads it with some stock abbreviations, no one will notice?
Sorry, folks. We have another case of NOT EFFING NEWS in a section that should, in fact, contain only news.
Exactly how this is financial news is not clear. Maybe if the writer pads it with some stock abbreviations, no one will notice?
Sorry, folks. We have another case of NOT EFFING NEWS in a section that should, in fact, contain only news.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Chopstick Removed From Toddler's Brain
On the BBC News front page today- yes, the same page as their reports on the Haiti earthquake and the death of Anne Frank's helper- is the headline "Chopstick removed from toddler's brain."
What's that? I couldn't hear you over the roar of apathy.
The chopstick had to be removed, you see, because it went up his nose when he fell on it.
Ooooh...fascinating...a toddler did something stupid and it had to be fixed. Please, please tell me more.
To say that this is NOT EFFING NEWS really doesn't do justice to this idiotic piece of fluff. BBC, you disgust me. Let me know when you get back to regularly scheduled news reporting. You know, YOUR JOB?
What's that? I couldn't hear you over the roar of apathy.
The chopstick had to be removed, you see, because it went up his nose when he fell on it.
Ooooh...fascinating...a toddler did something stupid and it had to be fixed. Please, please tell me more.
To say that this is NOT EFFING NEWS really doesn't do justice to this idiotic piece of fluff. BBC, you disgust me. Let me know when you get back to regularly scheduled news reporting. You know, YOUR JOB?
Monday, January 11, 2010
Avatar Making Viewers Depressed
I give a lot of leeway when a story is in the Entertainment section of a news site. What Taylor Momsen wore to her b-day party? Silly, but I can allow it. Jon Gosselin's latest escapade? Don't give a damn, but sure, it goes there.
But this is pushing it on the news angle. It seems that Avatar fans just can't get over their own lives not being as awesome as the film. The Story Highlights on this include such gems as " 'Avatar Forums' has a topic thread discussing depression over 'Pandora being intangible' " and "Some fans say James Cameron's "Avatar" may have been too real."
Apparently, this story really caught a lot of attention, too; there are 794 comments as of the writing of this post.
Um, help me out here. The people who watched this movie, acclaimed for amazing CGI effects, which by definition are NOT REAL, are sad because real life isn't as beautiful/fun/Utopian as the PRETEND WORLD James Cameron created?!
And this is news because... ?
IT'S NOT EFFING NEWS, CNN. I'm sorry, but if the last sentence in your article is "Within the fan community, suggestions for battling feelings of depression after seeing the movie include things like...encouraging members to relate to other people outside the virtual realm and to seek out positive and constructive activities," surely that's a TINY clue about this being inane bullshit?!
This kind of crap doesn't even belong in the Entertainment section; it belongs on an opinion blog, on a fan site, or on the effing cutting room floor.
Thanks, S, for the tip!
But this is pushing it on the news angle. It seems that Avatar fans just can't get over their own lives not being as awesome as the film. The Story Highlights on this include such gems as " 'Avatar Forums' has a topic thread discussing depression over 'Pandora being intangible' " and "Some fans say James Cameron's "Avatar" may have been too real."
Apparently, this story really caught a lot of attention, too; there are 794 comments as of the writing of this post.
Um, help me out here. The people who watched this movie, acclaimed for amazing CGI effects, which by definition are NOT REAL, are sad because real life isn't as beautiful/fun/Utopian as the PRETEND WORLD James Cameron created?!
And this is news because... ?
IT'S NOT EFFING NEWS, CNN. I'm sorry, but if the last sentence in your article is "Within the fan community, suggestions for battling feelings of depression after seeing the movie include things like...encouraging members to relate to other people outside the virtual realm and to seek out positive and constructive activities," surely that's a TINY clue about this being inane bullshit?!
This kind of crap doesn't even belong in the Entertainment section; it belongs on an opinion blog, on a fan site, or on the effing cutting room floor.
Thanks, S, for the tip!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Obama Billboard Coming Down
Now I ask you: Is this political news? The Weatherproof (jacket company, if you care) billboard with President Obama's picture on it is being taken down.
Whoa- SO glad I know about THIS.
Two things about this CNN article crack my shit up:
1) The article has "Story Highlights" listed on the side. Because the title didn't say it all and the entire article was just too darn difficult to get through, being over 100 words and all.
2) There are 143 comments at last check, and many of them are about how the commenter doesn't care what the President wears and/or what is on a billboard.
Regardless of your thoughts on this, um, matter, IT'S NOT EFFING NEWS. And it's sure as hell not political news.
Whoa- SO glad I know about THIS.
Two things about this CNN article crack my shit up:
1) The article has "Story Highlights" listed on the side. Because the title didn't say it all and the entire article was just too darn difficult to get through, being over 100 words and all.
2) There are 143 comments at last check, and many of them are about how the commenter doesn't care what the President wears and/or what is on a billboard.
Regardless of your thoughts on this, um, matter, IT'S NOT EFFING NEWS. And it's sure as hell not political news.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Weekends Not Restful for Americans
Is it just me, or does this article read like it's from The Onion? Not only is it NOT EFFING NEWS, it doesn't even sound REAL.
Thanks, CBS. I needed a laugh today.
Thanks, CBS. I needed a laugh today.
Supervisor Daly to Use F Word at Meetings
So, it turns out San Francisco Supervisor Chris Daly has promised to use the F word at every meeting this year. This can be found on the CBS 5 website under the Politics section. To pad this already lousy excuse for an article, the reporter found it necessary to quote pretty boy Gavin Newsom as suggesting a "swear jar" for every time Daly swears.
Oh, and don't worry, there's a video with this story, too. In case you wanted to waste even more time on this non-news piece of crap.
Honestly? I feel dumber now. And not only is this NOT EFFING NEWS, it's not even new.
Oh yeah- we've all heard this story before.
A lot of these articles could just be replaced with the slogan "Someone in Bay Area Got Indignant Over Something."
(Thanks, K, for the tip!)
Oh, and don't worry, there's a video with this story, too. In case you wanted to waste even more time on this non-news piece of crap.
Honestly? I feel dumber now. And not only is this NOT EFFING NEWS, it's not even new.
Oh yeah- we've all heard this story before.
A lot of these articles could just be replaced with the slogan "Someone in Bay Area Got Indignant Over Something."
(Thanks, K, for the tip!)
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Bringin' Up Old Shit: Slow News Day
Introducing a new feature called Bringin' Up Old Shit, wherein I bring up old shit.
Yeah, this article is from March of 2009 so it's ancient history. But I find it necessary to point out that there are a lot of people who have opinions about what the Obamas plant in their garden. And are apparently offended by the lack of beets.
Look, I love me some New York Times, but the effing LINK to this "report" (yeah, those are air quotes, get over it) calls it "beet discrimination."
To say that people will get on their high horse about anything is just so obvious, it's boring. But beets, people?! NYT, do you have nothing else with which to pad your Health section? Like, maybe articles and reports about, um, health? THIS IS NOT EFFING NEWS.
"So what?" You say. "It's not like anyone actually wasted their time on this crap," you muse.
The article garnered 193 comments.
Did I stutter?
From the readers I know well enough to expect nothing more. NYT, I expect better from you.
Yeah, this article is from March of 2009 so it's ancient history. But I find it necessary to point out that there are a lot of people who have opinions about what the Obamas plant in their garden. And are apparently offended by the lack of beets.
Look, I love me some New York Times, but the effing LINK to this "report" (yeah, those are air quotes, get over it) calls it "beet discrimination."
To say that people will get on their high horse about anything is just so obvious, it's boring. But beets, people?! NYT, do you have nothing else with which to pad your Health section? Like, maybe articles and reports about, um, health? THIS IS NOT EFFING NEWS.
"So what?" You say. "It's not like anyone actually wasted their time on this crap," you muse.
The article garnered 193 comments.
Did I stutter?
From the readers I know well enough to expect nothing more. NYT, I expect better from you.
Male Corsets. MALE. CORSETS.
Thanks, CNN. Thank you for informing me, educating me- nay, ENLIGHTENING me about the wonders of the male corset launched in the UK.
This report was in your World section, and I can see why. It is, in fact, something that happened in the world. If that is the best thing anyone can say about it, though, then guess what? It's NOT EFFING NEWS.
This was your caption: "A retailer launches a range of shapewear for men designed to flatten and shape the torso. CNN's Monita Rajpal reports." I'm sorry, but if my job were to report on this shit as if it were real news, I'd be desperate for a way out of my obvious misery.
CNN, let's stick to actual news, mmmkay? Leave the fashion fluff to Women's Wear Daily.
This report was in your World section, and I can see why. It is, in fact, something that happened in the world. If that is the best thing anyone can say about it, though, then guess what? It's NOT EFFING NEWS.
This was your caption: "A retailer launches a range of shapewear for men designed to flatten and shape the torso. CNN's Monita Rajpal reports." I'm sorry, but if my job were to report on this shit as if it were real news, I'd be desperate for a way out of my obvious misery.
CNN, let's stick to actual news, mmmkay? Leave the fashion fluff to Women's Wear Daily.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Prudish Marine Tells Australian Girls to Cover Up
This little gem is on the Huffington Post. It turns out that a U.S. Marine wrote a letter to an Australian newspaper expressing his outrage about the scantily-clad women he'd seen.
Hear that?
That's the sound of no one giving a rat's arse.
Hey, Huff Po, this was in the WORLD NEWS SECTION of your site. Excuse me?! Surely this fine piece of reporting (read: total crap) doesn't deserve to appear next to articles such as "India Issues Warnings Over Increase in Violent Attacks" and "CIA Base Bomber Was US's 'Most Promising Informant in Years'."
Um, there's something a teeny bit wrong with this. Any one see it? Any one at all?
Here, I'll give you a hint: IT'S NOT EFFING NEWS.
!!!
There, now don't you feel better?
Hear that?
That's the sound of no one giving a rat's arse.
Hey, Huff Po, this was in the WORLD NEWS SECTION of your site. Excuse me?! Surely this fine piece of reporting (read: total crap) doesn't deserve to appear next to articles such as "India Issues Warnings Over Increase in Violent Attacks" and "CIA Base Bomber Was US's 'Most Promising Informant in Years'."
Um, there's something a teeny bit wrong with this. Any one see it? Any one at all?
Here, I'll give you a hint: IT'S NOT EFFING NEWS.
!!!
There, now don't you feel better?
More on Tiger from John Stewart
This time, it's not SUPPOSED to be effing news. So it's funny. The clip is here. Basically, he rips Brit a well-deserved new one.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Religious Advice for Tiger Woods
The dictionary defines news as "a report of a recent event; intelligence; information." That would imply that news, in all of its formats, supplies the reader/viewer/observer with all or some of what is listed.
This blog is dedicated to the blathering idiocy broadcast to us under the guise of news. People, just because it's on CNN or Fox doesn't mean it's news. Just because something advertises itself as "fair and balanced" (yeah, another cheap shot at Fox), doesn't mean it is. And while I am not the first person annoyed enough to start a blog or other conversation about how much bullshit is funneled down our collective throats as news, I hope adding my perspective to the conversation will at least be mildly amusing for you and somewhat cathartic for me.
This is one time when I want your opinion- if you disagree and think something I am bashing is actually news, tell me in the comments. If you find something I should feature, let me know.
People, I give you my first It's Not Effing News post:
We all know the latest about Tiger Woods. He sexted, he cheated, he's no longer a role model for our impressionable youth, blah, blah.
Brit Hume, enlightened bastard that he is, found it necessary to espouse his opinion that Tiger Woods convert so he can "make a total recovery" by having the "forgiveness and redemption" offered by Christianity.
Look, I don't give a damn what you discuss in your home or congregation. But to go onto Fox News Sunday to proselytize is just gross. Hey Brit, your opinion is not a matter of public interest. And IT'S NOT EFFING NEWS.
Here's the You Tube Video of Brit Hume's religious advice for Tiger and some pretty funny commentary about it.
Thanks, Brit, for inspiring me to start this blog. And thanks, Daddy-O, for the tip off. This shit is priceless.
This blog is dedicated to the blathering idiocy broadcast to us under the guise of news. People, just because it's on CNN or Fox doesn't mean it's news. Just because something advertises itself as "fair and balanced" (yeah, another cheap shot at Fox), doesn't mean it is. And while I am not the first person annoyed enough to start a blog or other conversation about how much bullshit is funneled down our collective throats as news, I hope adding my perspective to the conversation will at least be mildly amusing for you and somewhat cathartic for me.
This is one time when I want your opinion- if you disagree and think something I am bashing is actually news, tell me in the comments. If you find something I should feature, let me know.
People, I give you my first It's Not Effing News post:
We all know the latest about Tiger Woods. He sexted, he cheated, he's no longer a role model for our impressionable youth, blah, blah.
Brit Hume, enlightened bastard that he is, found it necessary to espouse his opinion that Tiger Woods convert so he can "make a total recovery" by having the "forgiveness and redemption" offered by Christianity.
Look, I don't give a damn what you discuss in your home or congregation. But to go onto Fox News Sunday to proselytize is just gross. Hey Brit, your opinion is not a matter of public interest. And IT'S NOT EFFING NEWS.
Here's the You Tube Video of Brit Hume's religious advice for Tiger and some pretty funny commentary about it.
Thanks, Brit, for inspiring me to start this blog. And thanks, Daddy-O, for the tip off. This shit is priceless.
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