5 Ways To Tell if You Are a Sex Addict

So, on the front page of CNN.com today, right next to links to stories on the health care summit and the Olympic skater whose mother just died, is a link to a story called "5 ways to tell if you are a sex addict" with a helpful picture of Tiger Woods with it.

Wow.  Thank GOD for CNN.  I wouldn't have known if I was a sex addict if you hadn't made this a Top Story of the day.  And since the story is "Part of complete coverage on Empowered Patient" I feel so much closer to being empowered than I was 2 minutes ago. 

Seriously, CNN?! This is crap.  THIS IS NOT EFFING NEWS. 

Thanks for mocking real addiction (both sexual and otherwise) by associating it with the dalliances of a famous- albeit immature and narcissistic- golfer.

Biden and Cheney Don't Agree About Terrorism

So this awesome piece is about the fact that Joe Biden and Dickwad Dick Cheney somehow discussed and disagreed upon- from "the safe distance" (that's a direct quote, folks) of SEPARATE TALK SHOWS- terrorism, torture, and Iraq.

Wow.  They don't agree on those things?  It's almost as if they are from different sides of the political spectrum and might not see eye to on certain issues. 

Even more annoying is that this supposed reporter/news writer/lackey set up the talk show appearances as if the former and current VPs were having an actual debate THROUGH TIME AND SPACE.  I shit you not, this article makes it sound like they were in the same goddamn room and having a little chat, instead of what they are actually doing, which is discussing their own views at DIFFERENT TIMES and DIFFERENT PLACES.

WTF, LA Times?!  Are your writers so stupid they really think this is news?  Or was it just a slow news day and things that people already know and other things that didn't actually happen had to be combined, perverted, and spit out in a barely coherent article about nothing?

IT'S NOT EFFING NEWS.

For eff's sake.

(Thanks, Daddy-O, for the tip!)

Valentine's Day Conspiracy

This story is on the FRONT PAGE on CNN.com today.  Apparently, Hollywood makes movies with holiday themes and releases them near that holiday.

Clearly, there's a Hollywood conspiracy to take our money as they feed us crappy holiday movies.  There's even a film critic who is "skeptical if a movie comes out too close to Valentine's Day."

Just because the link to the full story brings me to the Entertainment section doesn't give CNN the license to place it on the front page prominently- as the biggest and most important peice of news of the day- next to the story called "Offensive against Taliban making progress." 

Um, one of the story highlights is "It has everything to do with the increased commercialization of holidays, said one expert."

No shit?! You're effing kidding me!


THIS IS NOT EFFING NEWS, FOR EFF'S SAKE.  It's not even new information.

Olympic Cauldron Is Lit

Dearest Wall Street Journal, even in the admittedly fluff-tastic Sports section, you are supposed to be reporting news.  This bullshit article about nothing states that the Olympic cauldron has been lit and one of the lights didn't work so only three torchbearers actually lit the flame.

Does this MEAN something?  Is this an ominous beginning for an Olympic competition already marred by tragedy?  A symbol of the nations not truly being all together during these tumultuous times?  No?  It means absolutley nothing and has nothing to do with anything except that it's a fact about the Olympics and WSJ felt the need to fill space with nothingness, you say?

Hmm.  Then IT'S NOT EFFING NEWS, is it?!

Do Elephants Walk or Run?

Well, isn't this just precious?  It seems scientists have inquired as to whether quickly moving elephants are walking or running.

Look, I love me some elephants.  They used to be my favorite animal until I discovered their superior: the almighty snow leopard.  But I really, really don't give a rat's arse whether what they are doing is considered walking or running.

There's a lot of blah blah blah in this article about kinetic energy and potential energy and frankly, my dears, I just don't give a damn. 

This is NOT EFFING NEWS, scientists and BBC.  Why the HELL does it matter what we call it?  Oh, that's right.  It doesn't.

And on that note, I will leave you with this little gem from the article: "you just can't go down to your local hardware shop and pick up an elephant-sized force plate."

Pregnancy Brain is a Myth

According to this story, "baby brain" is a myth.  Apparently the recurring memory lapses and concentration problems are not due to pregnancy, but perhaps due to tiredness resulting from pregnancy or shifting attention to the baby due to the pregnancy.

Yep, it IS as circular and nonsensical as it sounds.

Seriously, people.  I had to read this article 4 times before I realized that it's not me who's the dumbass.  The article DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

So, not only is it NOT EFFING NEWS, it's not even ABOUT anything.

For eff's sake.

Celebrity Picks for the Super Bowl

Pretty sure this isn't even sports news. 

Whatever Sports Illustrated thinks it is, IT'S NOT EFFING NEWS.  Who the HELL gives a rat's arse who some random celebrities think will win the Super Bowl?

(Thanks, EDub, for the tip!)

Stating the Obvious

Love it when a news organization ADMITS that something isn't news.  For example, the study that revealed the huge shocker "People are happier on weekends."

Wow.  Just wow.

(Thanks, S, for the tip!)